Hey lovelies, long time no post. I'm not going to come on here and lie to you and say I was super busy and I didn't have time to post. I was simply feeling uninspired. I don't want to come on here and post reviews and hauls when I don't think that is really helping anybody. I want this blog to be a place where I can really help people. No, I'm not an expert in well... anything but I feel like even if sharing my stories helps even one person, that's all that matters.
I was scrolling through the Gram (Instagram, the gram is what the cool kids are calling it these days) and I saw a post from an awesome girl that I follow and it was of a new tattoo she got. It was a half butterfly with a semi colon as the body and head. I have heard of the semicolon project and I have always wanted to get that tattooed. If you're not familiar with it, it is to represent people who have struggled (or are struggling) with depression, suicide, addiction or self injury. It represents where an author could have ended a sentence but decided to continue it. The butterfly portion of the tattoo was in support of The Butterfly Project. I hadn't heard about the butterfly project, which was started to bring awareness to people who suffer from self harm. Even though the scars have faded away, I have suffered from self harm. Her post just resonated with me and brought up all of those feelings I used to have. She inspired me to write this post because she was so brave sharing that part of her life. This is something I have never shared with anyone because I was embarrassed and ashamed but if this can help even one person, then it's worth it.
Bear with me, this was all many years ago so I can't really tell you what exactly was going on in my life. All I remember is how I felt before and after I would cut myself. I think for me it was a control thing, when my life felt like I had no control over my life, I would harm myself and while I was doing it, I would feel in control and the pain felt good honestly. I really don't even remember why I quit. I think it had something to do with my science teacher checking everyone's arms to see if they had been cutting, in the middle of class, not discreetly at all I might add. She would check our arms for cutting and if she saw cuts she would make you go out into the hall and take you to talk to someone in the office. This practice still upsets me to this day. What gave her the right to check people's arms and call them out in front of all of their classmates and possible undergo even more scrutiny? Anyway, I did have marks on my arm but when she looked at them I told her that they were cat scratches and she believed me. A few of my classmates jokingly called me a cutter and I brushed it off even though it was true. I remember stopping shortly after that because I didn't want people to see the marks and get suspicious because I felt like if people found out they would mock me and that is the last thing I wanted.
The reason I am sharing this is really not to discuss the details of my self harm, it's to let anyone know that no matter how out of control your life feels, only you can control how you feel. I have struggled so much with happiness. Little things can easily set me off and ruin my day, you just have to remember, for all of those bad days, there are so many more good days. For all of those things that set you off and make you want to harm yourself, there are so many good things that you can focus on instead. Do not get me wrong, I have bad thoughts all the time and I just have to focus on the good things in my life and eventually they go away. If all you do is focus on the bad things, you will make yourself miserable. I used to be miserable and I used to constantly be at war with myself and when I see people like that now it breaks my heart because I used to be there. From time to time I still find myself there because I'll start to pick apart other people because I'm not feeling the greatest, you just have to bring yourself back. Changing your mindset takes time and practice, just like learning anything new. Do not give up because I promise you, it's worth it. Choose happiness.
I would always recommend seeking treatment if you feel like harming yourself. I didn't see any one but some things I would recommend to just help your mind and body in general would be:
1. Meditation: meditation has helped me cope with my stress so much. If I'm feeling really stressed, I put my headphones on and take ten minutes to do a guided mediation.
2. Find a hobby: Find something you love doing and focus on that. A few things I enjoy doing are, coloring, playing with makeup and trying new looks and taking and editing photos.
3. Help others: Share your story, volunteer, just be kind. In a world where it feels like everyone is so judgmental, just being nice and doing something nice for someone else is so rewarding. Seeing someone light up because of something you said or did feels amazing.
If you feel like you're feeling like everything is out of control and you feel like you can't talk to anyone, talk to me, share your story on this anonymous blog dedicated to The Butterfly Project HERE, try anything to keep you from harming yourself. You will be surprised how many complete strangers will listen and offer comfort and advice. I have never shared my full story with anyone and years later just talking about it right now, has been so helpful.
I would like to start an advice type of series on my blog so if there is something you're struggling with, leave me a comment below. I would love to help. Help me use my psych degree, haha.
I hope this inspired or helped who it was meant to and until next time my lovelies...
xoxo,
Bree Michelle
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